Coming to terms with your feelings
by WhyIsMyFandomInsane
Summary: Sam Winchester has been recently reunited with his brother after their time apart in season five and finds himself struggling with the feelings he developed for the devil in his time away.  SamXLucifer with background DeanxCas


**A/N:** Hello everyone! :3 I had originally intended this as a one shot mostly because I hate not following through quickly enough and failing to update in a reasonable amount of time. BUT I have continued to work on this story and a few people have requested I continue so I can promise that there will be at least one follow up chapter to this in the next week or so.

Thank you so much for your very kind words and I love and appreciate the reviews

* * *

><p>He's happy for them, he is, Dean and Cas have been pining after each other for too long now and Sam is beyond thrilled that the awkward stare offs have finally ended.<p>

But now their together and Sam is the third wheel. Not that they are clingy or anything. Dean's still adjusting to the "Gay for an Angel thing" and Sam suspects that Cas is being extra cautious around him, possibly afraid of causing any tension between the Winchesters as they try to re-cement their bond.

It's been three weeks and six days since the phone call. Since Dean told him to come home and it is a relief being back, back in the old routine, back in the impala, back hunting…but somehow he feels more alone now and he likes to pretend he doesn't know why.

Who wouldn't want to pretend that they didn't (he refused to even think the word miss) notice the lack of the Devil's presence.  
>It was just a pattern he had fallen into, ignoring the Devil in his dreams.<br>Somehow he wakes up less rested without Lucifer bothering him. At least when the Devil was bothering him before he got glimpses of what he was up to pieces of information that kept him updated on the apocalypse. Now things were quiet.  
>Sam liked quiet.<br>This is good, better than good, it's downright relieving not dealing with the devil in his dreams. Relieving to not here that calm voice talking incessantly to him about things he doesn't want to hear.

Sam's got it bad. He's got it bad and he knows it and what is worse he knows he's got it bad for Lucifer.  
>Lucifer.<br>THE DEVIL.  
>Yet no matter how many times he reminds himself, he still knows, even when he refuses to know, he's got it bad. For the Devil.<p>

This whole situation is ridiculous. He does not feel left out when Dean and Cas go off into their own little stare world. When at the end of the day they are able to find comfort in each other. He does not feel lonely at the thought of curling up in his empty bed to go to sleep and he certainly does not miss the Devil's presence in his dreams.

The first time Lucifer appeared in Sam's dreams he was terrified and when Lucifer informed him that he was his intended vessel Sam had been more than willing to off himself to prevent it. But the devil told him it was useless, that he would bring him back.

So he reached out to his brother. The first time he had attempted to reach out to Dean since they went separate ways…and Dean remained firm that they stay separate. In fact, he seemed set on that more than ever.

The second time the Devil joined him in his sleep Sam argued with him. Sam was angry. Beyond angry. Dean hadn't been able to help. Dean had left him alone with the Devil. Because he deserved it? Because Sam had messed up. What if he messed up again? What if any number of things. Sam was hurt and right now it was easier to be angry, easier to blame the devil.  
>Lucifer remained calm the entire time Sam raged at him, he only watched Sam with his eyes clouded with…was that sympathy? How dare he, how dare he just stand there no matter what names Sam called him, no matter what he said. The damn devil just stared at him. Just listened.<br>In the end Sam had exhausted himself and ran out of things to say or a voice to say them with. So he just glared at Lucifer, glared at the devil until even in his sleep his eyes dropped, he slumped, and he finally passed out from exhaustion.

The third time Lucifer visited Sam ignored him he had decided to try the ignore it till it goes away routine.

So far it hadn't worked. At first the devil had attempted to draw Sam into conversation. He would bring up topics intentionally hoping to rile the hunter, never mean or cruel things, but things that he knew Sam would disagree with.  
>When that didn't work Lucifer tried instead to talk about Sam, one of his favorite topics anyway. He would talk for hours about why he understood Sam's past and choices, how everything Sam had done only proved that he really was a vessel worthy of holding Lucifer, that the two of them were perfectly created to be one whole.<p>

Looking back this is where Sam is convinced things went awry. In truth he knows it would have been better to shut Lucifer up in these moments…because these were things Sam needed so desperately to hear. Everyone has always either blamed Sam for his mistakes or wanted to ignore them and keep pushing forward like nothing happened.

No one had ever sat with him, allowing something to hang in the air and say they understood. That they still wanted him, not him if he was better, stronger, or different, but exactly the way he is.

Unfortunately that person was the devil.

So Sam ignored him. Sam did his best not to acknowledge Lucifer…and yet they fell into this strange pattern. Sam would go to sleep and it wouldn't be long before Lucifer joined his dream. When he first arrived he would ask quietly if Sam would consent to be his vessel knowing he would get no response. Then he would talk, about everything, anything, but he doesn't ask again for the rest of the night. He no longer tries to get Sam to say yes.

Sure he will talk about how they are "made for each other" or "two halves of one whole" but somehow Sam senses the difference. He isn't referring to Sam being his vessel. He hasn't been referring to that for a while and they both know it. Sam knows it because he can feel the way the words hit him differently. How they seep in through his skin and twist in his stomach.

Sam knows Lucifer knows it, he can hear it in the almost mechanical way he asks the vessel question. It's halfhearted. But Sam doesn't know if Lucifer understands…or rather understood.

Since it has been three weeks and six days since the last time Lucifer visited him in his sleep…and Sam should be so relieved. But he isn't. Sam should tell Dean. But he doesn't.

So he thinks, he mulls it all over and wonders. He wonders where Lucifer is and what he's been up to (apocalyptically of course)…Sam wonders what will happen when he faces Lucifer again, wonders whether it will be in person or in another dream, wonders how he will react, wonders what Lucifer will reveal to his family…what he might say to Dean.

And sometimes Sam wonders if he is ok.

He wonders if Lucifer has ever had someone listen to him before, because when Sam is honest with himself he knows that he longs since stopped ignoring Luc and started listening to him. He knew the devil's entire side of the story now.

Not just the parts he tells people when he wants them to understand his side of things…but the full story. Sam is intricately aware of exactly how Lucifer felt when Michael stopped listening, when he was labeled a monster. But more than knowing, Sam felt it, he felt that pain, the anguish, all of it, because he has felt it, because he is the parallel. He and Lucifer connect on a level that Sam refused to believe exists. So he never told him and in the end Lucifer stopped visiting. Lucifer left him alone just like he asked.

Sam clings to his pillow burying his face with a sigh as he practically deflates from the exhausting rounds his brain is making on the situation. He just needs sleep. One more good night's rest and he will be fine. He can put the devil behind him…of course he can.  
>Sleep pulls him easier then he would have expected…and for the first time in a long time Sam feels a strange sense of comfort. …but why tonight, why after so long…<p>

"Hello Sam," his voice is quiet and tentative as if asking permission.

Oh, he's here, he came back.

Lucifer begins talking, starts as if he had never stopped as if it hadn't been three weeks since they last interacted. The all to familiar voice quietly fills the room, fills the ache Sam has been carrying, fills everything.

For the first time since he raged at Lucifer so long ago Sam speaks to him. He interrupts the devil with one choked and broken word.

"Why?"

There is silence for a minute, a heavy, contemplative silence.

"Because you wanted me to come back" the response is so simple, so plain, but it carries more than either of them know how to admit.

"…yes..I did."


End file.
